After sifting through the confusion and complex language of Heart of Darkness, I found that it really has a lot of thought to offer about the human mind, specifically how it can rise and fall so easily. There will probably come a day when I'll want to go back and read Heart of Darkness again, because I'm sure there's plenty of valuable concepts I didn't pick up on, but one of the most interesting, and frighteningly relatable concepts I did pick up on is the idea that everyone has a breaking point. Everyone has a mental or emotional state where they crack and lose their mind (not always as severely as portrayed in Heart of Darkness, but enough to spark a profound shift in character), and when someone is pushed to their breaking point, it can really disrupt their life and force them to reconstruct their minds in a way.
I've seen the brink of my own "breaking point" more in the past 5 months than ever before in my life. The oh-so-stressful combination of school becoming more intense, with the natural pressure of being a teenager trying to figure what (if anything) they'll be doing with their life after high school makes for an exhausting concoction, filled to the brim with confusion, angst, and apprehension. I think might have even experienced a few minor mental breakdowns myself, as I recount the multiple times (at least 5) I've screamed every curse word I know into my carpet as a way to try to escape and alienate myself from the built up stress. It's seemed like a gradual progression, from minor brooding to a full out breakdown, but that makes me even more afraid that I'm not noticing these changes in my character. I'm not (or at least I didn't used to be) someone who freaks out over stress, I've usually been pretty good handling it, but being pushed to my mental limit by school, and emotional limit by all the other stuff going on in my life has made me more susceptible to going moderately crazy, and not realize the world around me for what it really is. The world's a great place, but when I feel trapped by all the (for honest lack of a better word, I even tried using a thesaurus) shit going on in my life (not to sound too melodramatic), I lose touch with the good things and seem to only focus on my narrow-minded problems.
This behavior bears a striking (and scary) resemblance to Kurtz, and his own progression into insanity. Kurtz's story was the sad but true revelation I think I needed pretty bad: the fact that all men can fall. Even the strongest, most intelligent, most ambitious men can succumb to the pressures of their environment and the pressure they put on themselves, and transform into a completely different person; one who has lost touch with his formal self, and the joy he used to be able to find in the world. I never thought I'd be experiencing anything even remotely similar to Kurtz's downward spiral into madness, but the behavior I've been using to deal with stress lately seems too reminiscent of the early stages of losing my mind. I was convinced that as long as I could stay on top of my thoughts and emotions I could always direct them in any direction I wanted. Meaning, as long as I remained conscious of the stress in my life and if I kept things in perspective I'd be able to easily overcome any mentally/emotionally demanding situation. Unfortunately though, I feel like if I let myself be overcome by pressure or difficulties, then I'll suffer the same fate as Kurtz, and my mind will become a bleak and lukewarm place (again, not trying to be too melodramatic here), and frankly that's a startling thought.
Maybe there is hope though. Maybe, while I may not be invincible, I can still be conscious of my mental/emotional state and find better outlets and ways to deal with it. I have every intention to try to regain control over the stress in my life, and not go off the deep end, but I'm sure there'll be times in my life when I've got more to deal with than I do now. Perhaps the one saving grace is the fact that Kurtz eventually did lift the fog over his mind, and his consciousness did somewhat return in recognizing "The horror! The horror!" of his actions and his recent life. Then again, he did die right after that. Maybe the whole 'losing your mind' thing is something where you sort of have to go there to come back. You have to experience mental bleakness, and lose touch with your realities to eventually come back to being cognizant of how to deal with stress and pressure, and fully appreciate the times (past and hopefully future) when you can enjoy the world to its fullest, and the stresses of your life all fit into perspective. Perhaps I won't know until if and when I experience it firsthand. It was eye-opening though to realize that I can and might experience moderate insanity firsthand. Hopefully now, if I do reach that point, I'll at least be able to understand it and remember what really matters to me. Stress and pressure are really what you make of them I suppose, but they are nonetheless part of the experience of life, and being conscious of the effect they can have is at least a way to help yourself out and hopefully prevent against reaching the horrors of insanity... if school/life don't get you there first
February 10, 2012
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