After sifting through the confusion and complex language of Heart of Darkness, I found that it really has a lot of thought to offer about the human mind, specifically how it can rise and fall so easily. There will probably come a day when I'll want to go back and read Heart of Darkness again, because I'm sure there's plenty of valuable concepts I didn't pick up on, but one of the most interesting, and frighteningly relatable concepts I did pick up on is the idea that everyone has a breaking point. Everyone has a mental or emotional state where they crack and lose their mind (not always as severely as portrayed in Heart of Darkness, but enough to spark a profound shift in character), and when someone is pushed to their breaking point, it can really disrupt their life and force them to reconstruct their minds in a way.
I've seen the brink of my own "breaking point" more in the past 5 months than ever before in my life. The oh-so-stressful combination of school becoming more intense, with the natural pressure of being a teenager trying to figure what (if anything) they'll be doing with their life after high school makes for an exhausting concoction, filled to the brim with confusion, angst, and apprehension. I think might have even experienced a few minor mental breakdowns myself, as I recount the multiple times (at least 5) I've screamed every curse word I know into my carpet as a way to try to escape and alienate myself from the built up stress. It's seemed like a gradual progression, from minor brooding to a full out breakdown, but that makes me even more afraid that I'm not noticing these changes in my character. I'm not (or at least I didn't used to be) someone who freaks out over stress, I've usually been pretty good handling it, but being pushed to my mental limit by school, and emotional limit by all the other stuff going on in my life has made me more susceptible to going moderately crazy, and not realize the world around me for what it really is. The world's a great place, but when I feel trapped by all the (for honest lack of a better word, I even tried using a thesaurus) shit going on in my life (not to sound too melodramatic), I lose touch with the good things and seem to only focus on my narrow-minded problems.
This behavior bears a striking (and scary) resemblance to Kurtz, and his own progression into insanity. Kurtz's story was the sad but true revelation I think I needed pretty bad: the fact that all men can fall. Even the strongest, most intelligent, most ambitious men can succumb to the pressures of their environment and the pressure they put on themselves, and transform into a completely different person; one who has lost touch with his formal self, and the joy he used to be able to find in the world. I never thought I'd be experiencing anything even remotely similar to Kurtz's downward spiral into madness, but the behavior I've been using to deal with stress lately seems too reminiscent of the early stages of losing my mind. I was convinced that as long as I could stay on top of my thoughts and emotions I could always direct them in any direction I wanted. Meaning, as long as I remained conscious of the stress in my life and if I kept things in perspective I'd be able to easily overcome any mentally/emotionally demanding situation. Unfortunately though, I feel like if I let myself be overcome by pressure or difficulties, then I'll suffer the same fate as Kurtz, and my mind will become a bleak and lukewarm place (again, not trying to be too melodramatic here), and frankly that's a startling thought.
Maybe there is hope though. Maybe, while I may not be invincible, I can still be conscious of my mental/emotional state and find better outlets and ways to deal with it. I have every intention to try to regain control over the stress in my life, and not go off the deep end, but I'm sure there'll be times in my life when I've got more to deal with than I do now. Perhaps the one saving grace is the fact that Kurtz eventually did lift the fog over his mind, and his consciousness did somewhat return in recognizing "The horror! The horror!" of his actions and his recent life. Then again, he did die right after that. Maybe the whole 'losing your mind' thing is something where you sort of have to go there to come back. You have to experience mental bleakness, and lose touch with your realities to eventually come back to being cognizant of how to deal with stress and pressure, and fully appreciate the times (past and hopefully future) when you can enjoy the world to its fullest, and the stresses of your life all fit into perspective. Perhaps I won't know until if and when I experience it firsthand. It was eye-opening though to realize that I can and might experience moderate insanity firsthand. Hopefully now, if I do reach that point, I'll at least be able to understand it and remember what really matters to me. Stress and pressure are really what you make of them I suppose, but they are nonetheless part of the experience of life, and being conscious of the effect they can have is at least a way to help yourself out and hopefully prevent against reaching the horrors of insanity... if school/life don't get you there first
February 10, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Bloggin' Around 2-2-12
I read and responded to my honorable classmates Charlie and Atticus's respective blogs on their first semesters:
"Well for starters, you're definitely not alone with this feeling, that first sentence sums up all the negatives of the last few weeks pretty nicely; the last few months seem to have been a sadistic math equation: stress+work+expectations+exhaustion=time for a change. I can relate to the fact that the roles of schoolwork and homework have sort of flip-flopped, where I learn at home and school is where I decompress all the information and check for understanding. I can't say I'm a fan of this change, and I'd much rather have things revert back to the way they were in the past because I've noticed I feel a lot more pressured now. When I have to be the teacher, there's no one else to blame if I don't have a basic understanding of the material since that's my responsibility now. Furthermore, this pressure seems to demand a much bigger time and thought investment than I've ever had to give to school, and while I understand that's just a part of getting older, I've been pushed to become more concise and practical because of it. When I was reading this post, I realized how much your two points (about self-driven teaching, and conciseness) go hand in hand
To cut down on the ever-building amount of work we seem to be assigned, I've had to go through a sort of personal scientific revolution/evaluation (I suppose I have learned something in class). I've asked myself "what really works?" in terms of how much should I invest in a particular class, assignment, or thought in an attempt to maximize reward for my efforts. It hasn't taken me long to find out that I'll never really be able to cut down on that much, I think I'm already to far down the life path of being innately busy, but this more pragmatic mindset where I filter out the worthless thoughts and focus on the brilliant ones seems to be helping me channel my thoughts in the right direction, and if nothing else giving me mental closure that I can be smart. Usually. I'm glad to see that you brought up keeping an open mind at the end, because I've also realized it to be a vital step in getting the most out of school. While class might not be held in the same way it has been over the past nine years, being open and absorbent to everything that is thrown your way during school definitely helps you get the most out of it. Now, more than ever before, school has been teaching me to keep my mind open, because while what you're being told in class may not directly apply to the paper you have to write later that night, you never know when knowledge will come in handy or be useful, so maybe I'm in fact closer to the mindset I had on my first day first grade "understand as much as I possibly can". I've gotten too caught up in just completing the next assignment, it's refreshing to know that schools not just about that, and maybe I'm getting more out of it than I could've imagined, I just don't know it yet" - (from Charlie's blog)
I want to learn and be amazed at the stuff I see at school like I used to be throughout grade school, but to get back to that mindset, I've come to the conclusion that a lot of that responsibility falls on me. To use an old saying (and one of my favorite '90s pop songs), "You Get What You Give." Part of the reason I've become dissatisfied with school lately is because I think it's become dissatisfied with me. While my grades have been relatively fine (good enough for me at least), I don't walk out of school feeling amazed and knowledgeable like I used to. Obviously there are more important things than grades when it comes to school, and I think I need to reevaluate my priorities and be willing to put the work and thought I know I'm capable of into classes and assignments that I want to really teach me something. I think what you were getting at, Atticus, (and what I agree with) is that I have to abandon the idea with being kay with complacency, and really use all of my ability to work hard and do well. I'm not sure if the results I'm looking for, which are essentially just learning and absorbing knowledge to a level that actually intrigues me, are guaranteed, but I'll no doubt be prouder of the way this mindset represents me in school and hopefully the work I put in will be reciprocated and I'll walk out of school feeling enlightened and enthralled by education. Something like that. I do recall Mr. Allen saying something not long ago that really made every minute homework assignment seem a little more worthwhile, something along the lines of "a great liberal arts education is achieved by understanding as much as you can about as much as you can" (that's not a direct quote), but that helps me think that what I'm doing is important, interesting, and well worth my effort to share my own thoughts, because it will all pay-off and be reciprocated some day, in some way. And that's pretty cool" - (from Atticus's blog)
"Well for starters, you're definitely not alone with this feeling, that first sentence sums up all the negatives of the last few weeks pretty nicely; the last few months seem to have been a sadistic math equation: stress+work+expectations+exhaustion=time for a change. I can relate to the fact that the roles of schoolwork and homework have sort of flip-flopped, where I learn at home and school is where I decompress all the information and check for understanding. I can't say I'm a fan of this change, and I'd much rather have things revert back to the way they were in the past because I've noticed I feel a lot more pressured now. When I have to be the teacher, there's no one else to blame if I don't have a basic understanding of the material since that's my responsibility now. Furthermore, this pressure seems to demand a much bigger time and thought investment than I've ever had to give to school, and while I understand that's just a part of getting older, I've been pushed to become more concise and practical because of it. When I was reading this post, I realized how much your two points (about self-driven teaching, and conciseness) go hand in hand
To cut down on the ever-building amount of work we seem to be assigned, I've had to go through a sort of personal scientific revolution/evaluation (I suppose I have learned something in class). I've asked myself "what really works?" in terms of how much should I invest in a particular class, assignment, or thought in an attempt to maximize reward for my efforts. It hasn't taken me long to find out that I'll never really be able to cut down on that much, I think I'm already to far down the life path of being innately busy, but this more pragmatic mindset where I filter out the worthless thoughts and focus on the brilliant ones seems to be helping me channel my thoughts in the right direction, and if nothing else giving me mental closure that I can be smart. Usually. I'm glad to see that you brought up keeping an open mind at the end, because I've also realized it to be a vital step in getting the most out of school. While class might not be held in the same way it has been over the past nine years, being open and absorbent to everything that is thrown your way during school definitely helps you get the most out of it. Now, more than ever before, school has been teaching me to keep my mind open, because while what you're being told in class may not directly apply to the paper you have to write later that night, you never know when knowledge will come in handy or be useful, so maybe I'm in fact closer to the mindset I had on my first day first grade "understand as much as I possibly can". I've gotten too caught up in just completing the next assignment, it's refreshing to know that schools not just about that, and maybe I'm getting more out of it than I could've imagined, I just don't know it yet" - (from Charlie's blog)
"Atticus, I feel like I've been in a similar situation over the first semester. I reflected on how good I'd become at the "school game" prior to this year in my first semester final (by "school game" I mean knowing when and how to pretend like I care and fake emotion just for the sake of getting an A) and it was shocking to see how apathetic and lazy I'd become towards schoolwork, but at the same time relieving recognizing that I'd finally identified the problem within myself. Beyond just being dissatisfied with the way I went about schoolwork though, I more recently have become dissatisfied with school itself, I feel like I'm not getting nearly as much out of it as I used to. While I probably have a similar problem that you've identified, not wanting to put in the work and effort to extract what I'm looking to get out of school because of arrogance, laziness or whatever other reason, I've had to ask myself "am I really willing to invest a large amount of my time and effort into every single class and assignment?" No, seems to be the answer that automatically jumps out at me, but then I have to ask myself "then how do I expect to extract meaning or lessons or whatever I'm looking for out of these classes and assignments?" I think what I've settled upon lately is simply that I have to choose my battles.
I want to learn and be amazed at the stuff I see at school like I used to be throughout grade school, but to get back to that mindset, I've come to the conclusion that a lot of that responsibility falls on me. To use an old saying (and one of my favorite '90s pop songs), "You Get What You Give." Part of the reason I've become dissatisfied with school lately is because I think it's become dissatisfied with me. While my grades have been relatively fine (good enough for me at least), I don't walk out of school feeling amazed and knowledgeable like I used to. Obviously there are more important things than grades when it comes to school, and I think I need to reevaluate my priorities and be willing to put the work and thought I know I'm capable of into classes and assignments that I want to really teach me something. I think what you were getting at, Atticus, (and what I agree with) is that I have to abandon the idea with being kay with complacency, and really use all of my ability to work hard and do well. I'm not sure if the results I'm looking for, which are essentially just learning and absorbing knowledge to a level that actually intrigues me, are guaranteed, but I'll no doubt be prouder of the way this mindset represents me in school and hopefully the work I put in will be reciprocated and I'll walk out of school feeling enlightened and enthralled by education. Something like that. I do recall Mr. Allen saying something not long ago that really made every minute homework assignment seem a little more worthwhile, something along the lines of "a great liberal arts education is achieved by understanding as much as you can about as much as you can" (that's not a direct quote), but that helps me think that what I'm doing is important, interesting, and well worth my effort to share my own thoughts, because it will all pay-off and be reciprocated some day, in some way. And that's pretty cool" - (from Atticus's blog)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)